I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
