I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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