If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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