You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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