You can't special order awesome
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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