would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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