So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
