ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize