I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
