Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
