yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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