Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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