We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
