Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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