Your mouth is God's brothel.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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