God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
