JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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