This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
