some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
