My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
did i just pee glitter
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