We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
