I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
