If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
