i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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