Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
