Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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