This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
