drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You can't just leave with hair like that
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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