I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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