she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
