You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
