i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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