I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
this beer tastes like vomit already
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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