walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I party with great urgency now.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
