I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
