Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
