you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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