Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
