I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
