I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
