so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize