Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
