if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
