I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
