i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
