Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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