I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
