how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
