I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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