the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
