Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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