I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
