it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
