nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
