but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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