Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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