remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
