At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
