Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
