A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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