I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We're too hungover to prance.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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