someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
