So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
