just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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