His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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