I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
