Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
