When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
